Heading out of town last week I was determined to remember the i-touch my kids gave me for my birthday.  Before leaving,  I was ecstatic when I was able to download a movie without one single challenge or the use of any profanity…it was easy, seamless in the execution and *poof* I was actually technically contemporary for the first time in my life.  Technology was on my side. 

I walked through the airport in Akron with that special arrogance only tech weenies understand.  I actually walked with a little bit of a swagger – I was cool!  I was a cross between the Office Max “Yeah We Got That” Guy and Verizon, with my network of 300 people backing me up.  I was no longer the guy who burnt his hand trying to get a jammed piece of toast out of the back of the toaster oven an hour earlier, but the King of technology, capable of landing a man on the moon by myself, if necessary.

Half way through my movie, with my top of the line Shure headphones splitting the sound track into perfect stereo and my earbuds buried halfway into my skull,  I realized where technology has gone wrong.  Whether it was good solid reasoning or standing on the edge of a splitting headache from watching a movie on a monitor slightly bigger than a teabag makes no difference. 

As we get older our eyes get worse.  In my case I’m never without my reading glasses.  Well, if our eyes get worse and we’re losing brain cells then why are the screens getting smaller?  What in the world made me get excited about the technology of having the “Big Screen” in my shirt pocket?  Cecil B DeMille gave his life to make movies bigger and in ten minutes I did my own version of Disney’s “Honey I  Shrunk My Life” to literally fit in the palm of my hand.   Then I checked my email on my Crackberry and did a text to answer an urgent request.  It took me ten minutes to type the following on a full key pad the size of a book of matches with keys half the size of capers, “I don’t know. I’ll call you!”

I know technology has helped us become part of the greatest communication network in the history of the planet, but I find myself longing for the days when I was a kid.  Days when everything closed at 5:00 pm on Saturday and didn’t open again until Monday morning.  When you could only see a feature film with a greasy box of popcorn in your lap.  When Norton was a guy on the Jackie Gleason show!   When I  took the Sunday paper into the bathroom, instead of my cell phone to check email, and nobody called after 5:00 pm because it was considered rude to interrupt when you were having dinner with your family!

My 87 year old Dad calls me every time he sends me an email, just to make sure I got it!  That’s what I’m talking about – the personal touch – that ability we have to communicate directly, not through a monitor and a key board. 

Well, I’d love to write more, but I need to update my software, reconfigure my network settings and recharge my laptop before I lose all my data…there’s simply no escape!   Andy Rooney, where are you when I need you?